happy holidays from tex hayward.blogspot.com!

a quickie

here's a quick funny video starring two weirdo friends of ours, rachel and david:

funny things are probably happening all around

sorry for the lack of funny, i'm sick and dana is in panic mode as the semester draws to a close. we were going to chat law and order: svu but dana has too much school work and i'm about to fall asleep due to the prescription cough syrup i drank earlier. 

hopefully the laughs will return soon. we love you all. 

how could a woman like you ever understand a woman like me?

talk about a star-studded episode of law and order: svu! well, i use the term star-studded loosely. before we get to the commentary, let's go over the "guest stars" in tonight's episode:

clea duvall-you may recognize her from lots of movies such as indentity, girl interrupted, she's all that, and girl among many others

didi conn-i only recongized her from grease. i don't think i've seen anything else she's been in but i knew her voice the second she started speaking. frenchy! 

brenda blethyn-she's been in quite a few things but i know her as pumpkin's mom in pumpkin

kelly bishop-emily gilmore!!!! okay, she's done lots of stuff but whatevs, i love gilmore girls!

judith light-she's actually a regular on this series but she was worth mentioning just cause she was on who's the boss

w. a. walters-i just had to mention this guy because of his acting credits. seriously, go to his imdb page and look at what he has been credited for playing...perp, bum with penguin, aa participant, panhandler, homeless fire victim...the list goes on! 

and now, what you're all really here for...the commentary! the line breaks indicate either a commercial break or where we went off on a tangent about something not related to law and order.

Dana: sorry i'm late, had to make a sandwich! 

Stefanie: phew! i was nervous 

Dana: to catch up, fuck that bitch and her pro life propaganda 

Stefanie: no shit 

Stefanie: "i'm pressing charges" 

Stefanie: what a bitch! i'm pretty sure as a pharmacist that's none of her goddamn biznezz 

Dana: i liked that SVU took a decidedly pro-choice position though 

Dana: or, anti-rape, i can't be sure 

Stefanie: yeah, it's hard to say 

Stefanie: i mean, they can't be too anti-rape or they'd be out of jobs  

Stefanie: oh that nurse was in grease! 

Dana: haha i could tell SOLELY by the voice 

Stefanie: frenchy, i think her name was  

Stefanie: "my best girl" ugh if anyone ever calls me that i will barf 

Dana: stefanie, you're my best girl  

Stefanie: :barf: 

Dana: hey honey, here's some flowers, sorry i raped you 

Stefanie: aww thanks! i'll cook you dinner in just a sec! 

Dana: aw, well meaning old people 

Stefanie: that lady looks familiar to me too 

Stefanie: i watch too much tv 

Stefanie: ohhh she was in that creepy movie pumpkin 

Stefanie: oh this mirror scene is creeptastic 

Dana: uh, olivia unzipping her jacket was pretty creepy 

Stefanie: i thought it was kind of sexxxy 

Dana: haha 

Dana: i think that girl mia was in she's all that 

Stefanie: that's clea duvall 

Stefanie: she was in girl interrupted 

Stefanie: i don't recall that she was in she's all that 

Stefanie: but she was in can't hardly wait 

Dana: oh she was 

Dana: she was the bitchy art girl 

Dana: that tried to convince laney to kill herself 

Stefanie: oh yeah! 

 

Dana: man he really likes his breakfast 

Stefanie: i really like my breakfast too 

Dana: haha my brother's friend just walked in and saw like 5 seconds of that and said "type in 'that guy's a sleezeball'" 

Stefanie: hahaha 

Stefanie: holy fucking shit did he stab her?? 

Dana: what the fuck? 

Stefanie: oh my godddd 

Dana: that was expected 

Dana: fucking use the phone lady! 

Stefanie: seriously, they need a bus to that address! 

Dana: and shouldnt olivia know some basic life-saving skills? 

Dana: like im pretty sure i would know to pull out the gun and use some sort of compression 

Dana: i mean knife 

Stefanie: hahaha 

Dana: i get my weapons confused! 

Stefanie: sure sure suresuresure 

Dana: oh man, i hope Medical Examiner is on after the commercial break

Stefanie: that neighbor lady is a biiiiitch 

Dana: oh man!!! 

Dana: fuuuuuck 

Dana: who is that dude? 

Stefanie: i like this guy though 

Stefanie: he's been on a lot 

Dana: asst ME? 

Dana: yeah i know, i just like ME best. 

Dana: i was hoping to hear something about rigor' 

Stefanie: wait, a new crime? 

Dana: yeah apparently this was the main point of the story 

Stefanie: escaped from jail? sweeet! 

Dana: man this is sad! 

Dana: what was she in jail for? 

Stefanie: murder, i think 

Dana: weird 

Dana: haha which war? how old is she? 

Stefanie: seriously, i have no idea what is going on with anything right now

Stefanie: all i can think about is how annoying her voice is 

Dana: haha no shit 

Dana: geez, this narrative is long 

Stefanie: yeaaaaah 

Stefanie: good god, marital rape was legal until the 80s?? 

Dana: haha man 

Dana: i listened to this song today "acceptable in the '80s" 

Dana: maybe it was about that 

Stefanie: oh calvin harris? 

Dana: haha yes 

Stefanie: that's a catchy tune 

Dana: yeah i like it 

Dana: esp since i was born in the '80s 

Stefanie: you were? 

Dana: nope 

 

Stefanie: grandma gilmore! 

Stefanie: this is a star-packed episode 

Dana: lol i'd love to have her as my lawyer 

Stefanie: oddly enough, that states show i watched the other day was narrated by grandpa gilmore 

Dana: hmmm this story is kinda ridiculous 

Stefanie: yes 

Dana: like they couldnt think of enough material for a whole hour so they did two half hour shows and crammed them together 

Stefanie: well i would rather see only 1/2 an episode about this stupid story than a full hour 

Dana: yeah for sure 

Dana: i do like her burnt orange jail wear though 

Stefanie: hook 'em 

Dana: haha 

Stefanie: i wonder if the ut football players that get arrested get to wear burnt orange jumpsuits in jail 

Dana: lol 

Dana: im sure, with the bevo monogrammed 

Stefanie: yeah, the city probs special ordered some because they knew they wouldn't go to waste 

Dana: uh, it's weird hearing an old lady say "if i was a good girl" 

Stefanie: haha yeah 

Stefanie: if she was his best girl...  

Stefanie: pregnant? this is getting ridic 

Dana: haha yeah im confused 

Dana: once again! 

Stefanie: so wait, what did she get charged with? 

Dana: escape from prison 

Dana: but she's just getting probation 

Dana: aw he shouldnt leave her! 

Stefanie: oh okay 

Stefanie: no, i think he should...i would leave her 

Dana: i mean her voice is annoying for sures but still 

Stefanie: he doesn't even know her! 

Dana: yes he does, it was just based on a lie 

Stefanie: if it's all based on a lie then the whole thing is like a lie 

Dana: nah

follow up to lizard people, dear reader

i knew it was only a matter of time before the lizard people ballot guy came forward. shit, if i had done that i would have called chris matthews myself and said, "oh oh, i did that! that was me. hahaha!" anyway, lucas davenport has stepped up and minnesota public radio has the story. 

and dana and i have the commentary:

Stefanie: oh man, i had been hoping that the lizard ballot guy would come forward! 

Dana: "Lizard People refers to the conspiracy theory there's a race of shape shifting lizards masquerading as humans who rule the world, but Davenport doesn't consider himself a believer" 

Dana: why was i unaware of that conspiracy theory?

Stefanie: damn, i didn't know about that either 

Dana: can you post the follow up to our blog? 

Stefanie: hahah i like the handwriting sample 

Dana: haha i also like that the name is the same as a protagonist cop from some novel series 

Stefanie: he totally looks like the type of person to write in lizard people on a ballot 

Dana: haha no kidding!!! 

Stefanie: i'm surprised he's not wearing a silk, button-up dragon shirt 

Dana: the pony-tail (hole) and goatee + necklace are A+ though 

Stefanie: haha totally 

Stefanie: i wonder if he's single 

lizard people, dear reader

i'm sure you've all found yourselves thinking, "gosh, i wish i could read some of the chats that take place between dana and stefanie." well, fear not, dear reader, because we will be posting snippets from our epic g-chat sessions every now and then. this one happened earlier today. i even found a picture of the subject of our chat for your visual pleasure. 

Dana: on hardball theyre comparing ballots for the Minnesota senate race that are unclear and someone filled in the Al Franken bubble but also write Lizard People and filled in the bubble next to that. cracked my shit up  

Stefanie: hahahaha wtf??  

Dana: haha i have no idea, but it's hilarious  

Stefanie: this is why everyone should have electronic voting machines i know they have probs too but the problems aren't morons that don't know how to clearly mark a ballot  

Dana: haha no shit  

Dana: haha and i googled "Al Franken, Lizard People" and one of the results that came up was a story about that ballot "I, for one, welcome our new lizard people overlords"

the queens we use would not excite you

it has recently come to my attention that there are people out there (coughcecilycough) that have not heard one night in bangkok by murray head. how this is possible, i do not know. anyway, i decided i would share the video with our 4ish loyal readers. it's totally worth wasting 3:46. i actually don't consider it a waste anyway. also, dear readers, what is your favorite line from this song?

michael scott is ruining children

you might have to click on the pic to make it a little bigger to read it.

Artist on Artist part deux

1. when and where were you born?
CA - '84. Holla!

2. how many siblings do you have?

2, unfortunately. Actually we've all been getting along lately

3. how long have you had those flip flops?
A lovely 9.5 years...unfortunately, they are no more, and I had to walk through school barefoot like a hippie all day. But then I thought of the 30 Rock scene where Jenna asks Cerie "are bare feet in or do you just have your shoes off?" and that made me laugh.

4. have you ever transcended space and time?

Yes, approx. 1.0 times. It had to do with brushing my teeth, I'm not even sure of the details anymore. Though, if I'm being honest (and I always am) I think I time travel a lot in my sleep...no big deal.

5. what is your favorite book?
Ooh this is tough. I would probably say the Awakening, because I hadn't read a book like it at the time, and it caused me to read a number of books along the same lines, which also turned out to be some of my favs (Tess of the d'Urbervilles, House of Mirth)

6. what is your fascination with doorman?
First of all, I think the doorman is adorable. Also, he thinks I am adorable, and tells me this upon every meeting. He gives me kisses on the cheek and free drinks and I guess that's it! Also, doorman, doorman, doorman!

7. what's the last movie you saw in the theater?
Role Models - srsly the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

8. what is your favorite line from the song "one night in bangkok"?
Though it used to be "I get my kicks above the wasitline, sunshine," it is more recently "the queens we use would not excite you."

9. where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Oh man, hopefully lawyering for some nonprofit and rendering free or low-cost legal aid to those who need it. Also, with babies everywhere!!!

10. what is your favorite snack?

today I have eaten starburst, kit kat, m&ms, swedish fish, cheese-itz, nuts and turkey. that is my favorite snack.

artist on artist

have you ever seen those artist on artist interviews on myspace? well dana and i have each sent each other 10 questions (the same generic ones and then some weird specific ones) to be answered on this here blog. here are my answers to dana's questions:

1. when and where were you born?
11:08 AM on march 16, 1983 in georgetown, tx

2. how many siblings do you have?
uno

3. who is your favorite Wes Anderson character (must pick ONE, haha)?
picking just one wes anderson character is a huge challenge for me. i think if i were to answer this question next week i might have a different answer but for today, it's peter whitman. purrrrrr.

4. what is your favorite thing to wear right now?
these plaid pajama pants that have pockets. seriously, pockets in pjs=thebomb.com

5. what is your favorite book?
twilight! no wait, that's not it. possibly the bell jar because i'm a fucking weirdo.

6. what is your favorite city to visit?
san francisco! i would also really love to go back to portland for more than, like, 15 hours.

7. what's the last movie you saw in theaters?
i actually don't know the answer to this. i NEVER go to the movies anymore. shit. i think it was smart people, which btw, wasn't very good.

8. what's your fav line from Wet Hot?
oh shit, there are so many! but the one i find myself saying the most often is, "oh fuck my cock!" yeah, i'm disgusting.

9. where do you see yourself in 10 years?
35 years old with, like, 6 cats :(

10. what is your favorite snack?
lately it has been cheese nips

Comedy is a surprise ending!

Well, everyone knows Custer died at the Battle of Little Bighorn. What this blog presupposes is...maybe he didn't?

this is awesome for anyone who loves those stupid cake making contests on the food network (that includes me)

it's a commercial for the skoda fabia, whatever the hell that is. no, i'm kidding...it's a car.

Hey hey hey!